Jokes/pranks

[Scissorhands]

so a few years back i got this big photo frame that is made to house like 20 photos in it with a matte and all, right? well i went through all my old pics and put in something of just about every relative and friend i knew, group shots mainly. except for in two slots. these slots already had in them photos that came with the frame. i decided to leave them in. one image is of this little chinese boy (i'm not chinese, no one i know is chinese) and the other was of two women walking on the beach (one of them is chinese also). so, naturally, when i had friends over theyd wander to the frame and look at the pics and reminice about the occassion captured in the photos... "you rememeber that halloween?" "hey look at uncle joe... he looks so young.." YOU know. so inevitibly, they would spot the photos of the chinese people and ask... "who's that kid?" and well i had made up this whole backstory for him. "dont you remember little jimmy? YOU know, carla's kid...?" and i'd point to the chinese woman in the other photo. "yeah carla? she and becky (the other woman in that same photo) were best friends a year behind us at school? god that time she got drunk at (insert actual name of actual person we knew here)'s party and danced on the table?! i thought we'd never get her down... and how after graduation she hooked up with (insert name of actual guy we went to high school with here) and he knocked her up, but they didnt get married and had jimmy?" well at this point i can tell theyre thinking REALLY hard to try and remember carla and becky who never existed but who evidently went to the same parties as us. after i let them sweat for five minutes i confess that they came with the frame. they laugh and want to help me out with the joke the next time i have someone over.

gahd i'm weird...

Inventive!

[Lady Bathory]

I went to eat breakfast with mom this morning at this country/redneck place (don't look at me like that .. IHOP was full). At every table there was at least one mom, grandparent, and jock type. Half of these tables had no less than two screaming babies at them (the one directly behind me's kid had a squeeky toy ). Had the jock types not been there, I'd have loved to go to one of the parents and tell them to put the kids out of they're misery. I told mom my idea (after we left w/ good reason) and I had to hold her back from walking in there, laughing her ass off, and telling those parents to 'mercifly put down they're children'. Boy, as funny as that would'a been, it'd be kinda painful if we ever made it outta there.

[Scissorhands]

Baby care -
Hold it's head underwater to stop crying

[Lady Bathory]

*Applaudes*

Can we say babysitter, people? That or birthcontrol, abortion, throwing the baby out with the bath water ... 15 babies with one mamma in a crowded resturant is NOT COOL! >.<

[williamthebloody]

so, as everybody on earth knows, the latest harry potter book came out recently and all. well, the day after it came out, i go into work, and the place is just covered with them books. seriously, EVERYONE was reading it. so i go up to one woman and say: hi darlene. latest harry potter,eh? i got one too. (and then i say a little louder) did you get to bit where they KILL HERMIONE YET? well, needless to say, about a dozen people in the immediate area take one huge collective gasp! some people squeal. most start flipping ahead in their books. i just start laughing. so predictable and such bloody easy marks.

[Scissorhands]

so, as everybody on earth knows, the latest harry potter book came out recently and all. well, the day after it came out, i go into work, and the place is just covered with them books. seriously, EVERYONE was reading it. so i go up to one woman and say: hi darlene. latest harry potter,eh? i got one too. (and then i say a little louder) did you get to bit where they KILL HERMIONE YET? well, needless to say, about a dozen people in the immediate area take one huge collective gasp! some people squeal. most start flipping ahead in their books. i just start laughing. so predictable and such bloody easy marks.

I was waiting with a friend in a supermarket to get Harry Potter at midnight, and we were saying things like "That box of tampons is the Half Blood Prince."

We also started chanting "DUMBLEDORE DIES!"

We were right.

A couple leaving a bar found themselves the victims of the world's first drive-by book spoiling.

"DUMBLEDORE DIIIIEEEEEEESS!"

On the news I heard that some pranksters hung a banner off a motorway bridge -

"DUMBLEDORE DIES"

Some council workers were sent to remove it, and they were trying to do it without reading it

[Lady Bathory]

~Pops knuckles~ A'ight, wanna know how to give an up-tight preppy a heart attack? ~giggles~

Once, about a week before Halloween a few years ago, I got my paws on some of those blood capsules (you know, the ones you bite to make it look like you're bleeding from the mouth that tasts like HORRIBLE cherry cough syrup?). I didn't really have any friends that would A.) fall for it or B.) give a damn (boy, did I feel loved.). Anyway, so I went to my neighbors house to show Kate and her bf. Her lil sister, Carly, and I have never gotten along ... preppy, wears clothes WAY too small for her, wears so much mack-up she litterally looks like a corpse at a funeral home ... She hates everyone INCLUDING Kate's bf. ~evil grin~

Anywho, heres how it goes down: Carly is on the 1st floor watching some preppy show ... I guess. Kate and her bf start fighting, Carly freaks out, I run upstairs to stop them. What happens next was pure art! He pulls his arm back like he's gonna knock Kate out, I push her out of the way, he clap-slaps me (and yes, Carly fell for it). As soon as I get 'hit' I grab my mouth, everyone freezes like they're in shock, I get some tears going, push my way out of the room, and hurry down the stairs to the kitchen sink (the hurrying was real. That stuff is nasty! ).

As soon as I get to the sink, Carly makes it around the corner looking scared and whiter than usuall. I spit some of the stuff out and the capsul hits the metal sink with a "thu-clink". I'm thinking, "Oh no, she sees that its obviouly a capsul and she's gonna figure it out!" .. ... nnnnope! She thinks I just spit out a tooth! I leaned over the sink shaking, she thought I was crying, I was trying not to let her know I was about tolaugh my ass off! About this time, Kate and her bf come in all like, "OMG! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?" "OMG! I didn't mean it! I don't know what came over me!".

Well, Carly is about to stroke out soooooooo we show some compassion ... by my laughter getting louder as I looked up with 'blood' streaming down my chin, Kate and her bf falling over on the couch in the other room, and me handing her my 'capsul-tooth'! ... While she was in shock, I cleaned up my mouth ... before she got out of her shock I was safe and sound back at my house.

[Lady Bathory]

Damn, I'm a hateful, tricky, spiteful, little bitch! Ain't I? MUWAHAHAHAHA!!

[Scissorhands]

Damn, I'm a hateful, tricky, spiteful, little bitch! Ain't I? MUWAHAHAHAHA!!

[T.F.O.]

I remember this one time when my freind and I were throwing harps around(a harp is a typ of slightly curved irish throwing sword resembling the front of a harp) and i took one in to chest the hand was pointing up and the tip was down the the entire length of the blade emedded firmly in my chest and part of my stomach( it was about 2 feet long) it stopped when it hit my sternum(the flat bone between the ribs) I was pretty sure it wasn't fatal becase it hit no organs and severed no arteries, so I decided to give briggs a scare and play dead for about five minutes until he started to SERIOUSLY freak out then I started laughing and he thought he was halucinating, so I stood up and yanked hard on the harp, the second time it came loose and i pulled it out of my sternum and elsewheres. needles to say briggs was really fucking confused till I patted him on the bag and said cassually "c'mon man, lets walk to the hospital." he was a little pale and said weakly "uh okay" so I walked to the doctor and got stitched up...
for those of you who don't know, it takes a lot more than a body length gash to scare me, or keep me down...unless it's more than four inches deep...

[T.F.O.]

also I'd like to add, never attempt this, you could be seriously injured, especially if done properly...
also if you ever have any wound deeper than four inches you should seek help, no matter how small, a wound that deep is still considered 'mortal' and can lead to serious infection and internal bleeding if not treated properly... In fact I'd like to say that you should never try ANY of my crazy stunts/mishaps, because chances are you will not make a full recovery. being able to rip open your body again and again require a very high degree of physical fitness and certain genes that most of you probably don't have... so don't try things that I do by accident.
-thank you

[ryhmy]

A friend of mine was a victim of a nasty prank a while back. He and some friends were barbequing some sausages (very popular back here) and drinking some beer. They only had one sausage each, so this one guy flipped out his dick, held his plate low enough to rest his thingy on it and squirted some ketchup and mustard on both the sausage and "sausage".
My friend just went "Hey, where did you get two... OH MY GOD! YAARGH!!"

[icy dragon]

speaks for itself

oh and if you dont find it funny...dont worry its just me[/url]